Do I love my prison walls?
No, I’m not serving 15-25 for armed robbery like the loser on the 11:00 news. But am I doing time for a paycheck in a cubicle? Am I serving 5 years to life in a relationship I’m unwilling to improve? Or maybe life without parole with an addiction?
If I stay unhappy in a relationship instead of improving it, I’m in a lonely prison. If I cling to an addiction, I’m tethered to that habit. If I stay at a job that’s not right for me, I’m limited not just in what I can be, but who I can be.
Why do we stay? Why don’t we forsake the addiction and live free, abandon our selfish unhappiness and love freely, and ditch the comfortable unhappiness of unfulfilling work?
In Shawshank Redemption, Morgan Freeman observes how a prison inmate goes through the stages of accepting his fate. “First you hate these walls. Then you get used to them. Then you start to depend on them. That’s when you’re institutionalized.”
Yes, there’s security in prison walls. There’s safety and comfort. Not that we’d admit it, but the habits we have, the lives we live, even the parts we hate, become the things we depend on. Even worse, they become part of our identity.
Like the man who enters prison certain that he’s innocent, that he’s different from everybody else in there, and he won’t rest till he gets out. Enough years pass, and he thinking of himself as an inmate for life. He cannot imagine life on the outside. If he does get out, briefly, he finds a way back in, quickly.
The things that keep you in also keep the world out. You become accustomed to the safety, the security of the routine. You depend on your walls to protect you. Do you realize they also imprison you?
What are the prison walls you’ve come to depend on?
Do you ♥ your prison?
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Monday, December 28, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Improv
How hard it is to listen.
I want to be heard, but I don't want to listen. Not really. I don't need to, do I? I know what people are going to say anyway. It's easier to listen to the voices in my head, the ones that know the script.
Or the voices in my head that tell me what someone really means by what they say. It’s like a play we’ve done before, and we’re just rehearsing the lines again. I know their motivation, I know the exit line, and I’m just going through the motions to get there. Exit stage left.
Or if it’s a stranger, I have them typecast at a glance. I know the role they play in life, and what lines to expect from them. God forbid they should step out of the part I put them in.
What if I looked at it as Improv? What if every interaction were Improvisational Theater, where I don’t know what role my partner in this dialogue is going to assume? I have to listen first to what he or she says, understand it, and then form a response. Together we could write an original scene, be the characters we choose, and accept each other as those characters.
That’s how I want to be heard. Shouldn’t I listen the same way?
Suddenly listening seems easier.
.
I want to be heard, but I don't want to listen. Not really. I don't need to, do I? I know what people are going to say anyway. It's easier to listen to the voices in my head, the ones that know the script.
Or the voices in my head that tell me what someone really means by what they say. It’s like a play we’ve done before, and we’re just rehearsing the lines again. I know their motivation, I know the exit line, and I’m just going through the motions to get there. Exit stage left.
Or if it’s a stranger, I have them typecast at a glance. I know the role they play in life, and what lines to expect from them. God forbid they should step out of the part I put them in.
What if I looked at it as Improv? What if every interaction were Improvisational Theater, where I don’t know what role my partner in this dialogue is going to assume? I have to listen first to what he or she says, understand it, and then form a response. Together we could write an original scene, be the characters we choose, and accept each other as those characters.
That’s how I want to be heard. Shouldn’t I listen the same way?
Suddenly listening seems easier.
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Monday, December 14, 2009
Voices In Your Head
The voices in your head – is that what you’re hearing when it’s completely different from what someone thinks he said? Well, sort of.
In this post I used the example of hearing the influence of a salesperson when you’re buying a camera.
But what if your mind doesn’t hear what the MalWart Electronics Department Sales Consultant (kid who knows computers) thinks he said? He may be pretty sure he suggested a better camera for you. So let’s look at two versions of him, and see what you might have heard.
First, let’s look at Mr. Kid 1.0, who said exactly this: “Cool little camera there, man. Course if you want better pics indoors at night, maybe do a little video, this one does way better.” And he shows you a $158 price tag instead of the $99 model in your hand.
But if you see the Sharpie sketches on his tattered shoes and the flames tattooed on his unshaven neck, you may filter what he says through your prejudices. Then you’ll hear him saying, “Get out my store geezer…you don’t know a megapixel from Megadeth.”
Now Mr. Kid 2.0 could say the same line, recommend the same camera. But – he’s wearing a rather hip dress shirt and tie, and swaggers as he walks away. You’ll filter that through your expectations, and hear, “Sucker. I can upsell you and double my commission in ten seconds flat.”
Either version, you haven’t heard what was said, because of what was going on in your head. That’s the part you can work on. But what can Mr. Kid 1.0 and Mr. Kid 2.0 do to be heard?
If they really want to communicate clearly, they can minimize what gets in the way. For Kid 1.0, that’s as simple as dressing the part people expect of an electronics professional. Think of it as a shortcut to getting on the same page as your customers.
Kid 2.0 has the same problem, it’s just not as obvious. He has to convince you he wants the same thing you do – the best camera for you. That means taking time to listen, and telling you what’s right about better ones and cheaper ones.
Both ways, you have a better chance of hearing the voices in your ear, rather than the voices in your head.
Of course, sometimes the voices in your head are right. Aren't they?
.
In this post I used the example of hearing the influence of a salesperson when you’re buying a camera.
But what if your mind doesn’t hear what the MalWart Electronics Department Sales Consultant (kid who knows computers) thinks he said? He may be pretty sure he suggested a better camera for you. So let’s look at two versions of him, and see what you might have heard.
First, let’s look at Mr. Kid 1.0, who said exactly this: “Cool little camera there, man. Course if you want better pics indoors at night, maybe do a little video, this one does way better.” And he shows you a $158 price tag instead of the $99 model in your hand.
But if you see the Sharpie sketches on his tattered shoes and the flames tattooed on his unshaven neck, you may filter what he says through your prejudices. Then you’ll hear him saying, “Get out my store geezer…you don’t know a megapixel from Megadeth.”
Now Mr. Kid 2.0 could say the same line, recommend the same camera. But – he’s wearing a rather hip dress shirt and tie, and swaggers as he walks away. You’ll filter that through your expectations, and hear, “Sucker. I can upsell you and double my commission in ten seconds flat.”
Either version, you haven’t heard what was said, because of what was going on in your head. That’s the part you can work on. But what can Mr. Kid 1.0 and Mr. Kid 2.0 do to be heard?
If they really want to communicate clearly, they can minimize what gets in the way. For Kid 1.0, that’s as simple as dressing the part people expect of an electronics professional. Think of it as a shortcut to getting on the same page as your customers.
Kid 2.0 has the same problem, it’s just not as obvious. He has to convince you he wants the same thing you do – the best camera for you. That means taking time to listen, and telling you what’s right about better ones and cheaper ones.
Both ways, you have a better chance of hearing the voices in your ear, rather than the voices in your head.
Of course, sometimes the voices in your head are right. Aren't they?
.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Mind Control
Mind control – is that what we’re trying to do?
When we talk to people, aren’t we trying to control their thoughts? Like this:
Let’s say you’re standing in the electronics aisle at MalWart, hoping to buy a decent camera for under a hundred bucks. The Electronics Department Sales Consultant (kid who knows computers) saunters along and sees the camera in your hand.
“Cool little camera there, man. Course if you want better pics indoors at night, maybe do a little video, this one does way better.” He points to a slick package with an impressive array of features and a price tag of only $158. He saunters off.
You pick up the one he pointed out and scan the description. Now you see he’s right. For all the things the second one does, it’s easily worth the extra money.
What did he do? By transferring his knowledge into your brain, he changed the way you thought. He effectively controlled your mind for the time it took to make the right choice.
Next: But what if your mind doesn’t hear what he thinks he said?
.
When we talk to people, aren’t we trying to control their thoughts? Like this:
Let’s say you’re standing in the electronics aisle at MalWart, hoping to buy a decent camera for under a hundred bucks. The Electronics Department Sales Consultant (kid who knows computers) saunters along and sees the camera in your hand.
“Cool little camera there, man. Course if you want better pics indoors at night, maybe do a little video, this one does way better.” He points to a slick package with an impressive array of features and a price tag of only $158. He saunters off.
You pick up the one he pointed out and scan the description. Now you see he’s right. For all the things the second one does, it’s easily worth the extra money.
What did he do? By transferring his knowledge into your brain, he changed the way you thought. He effectively controlled your mind for the time it took to make the right choice.
Next: But what if your mind doesn’t hear what he thinks he said?
.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Misunderstood
"It is not enough to write so you can be understood. You must write so clearly that you cannot be misunderstood." Emerson.
If the listener doesn't hear what you think you said, did you really say it?
Who's the fall guy if you're misunderstood? Do you blame the other person? Or do you take responsibility for making sure the listener knows what you mean?
You can tell yourself your meaning was clear, and everybody else should understand it the same way. But that leaves you powerless. You can't control how people think.
Or can you? Well, yes. If you communicate effectively, you really can make people think differently. So the ball's in your court.
Say it plain. Be heard. Be understood.
.
If the listener doesn't hear what you think you said, did you really say it?
Who's the fall guy if you're misunderstood? Do you blame the other person? Or do you take responsibility for making sure the listener knows what you mean?
You can tell yourself your meaning was clear, and everybody else should understand it the same way. But that leaves you powerless. You can't control how people think.
Or can you? Well, yes. If you communicate effectively, you really can make people think differently. So the ball's in your court.
Say it plain. Be heard. Be understood.
.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
A Box of Money
More time and more money, that’s all you need, right?
If you had more money, you could buy the stuff you need to make your life easier, or you could grow your business to its potential. If you had more time, you could do more of the important things in life, the things that really matter, and more of the things you really want to do.
But you can’t go on Amazon to buy a box of money and you can’t go on E Bay and get a block of time. It seems money will buy stuff, but it won’t buy more money. And we’re all stuck with the same 24 hours in a day.
Unless. Unless you pay somebody else to do what you would spend a day on. Now you’ve done the impossible. You just bought time. You bought yourself a day.
But here’s the catch. What do you do with that day?
There’s things in your life, and in your schedule that only you can do, or the things where you are at your best, your most efficient, your most productive. If you spend your day on that, your time is worth more.
So first you got more time for your money. Then you got more money for your time.
That makes you the genius.
.
If you had more money, you could buy the stuff you need to make your life easier, or you could grow your business to its potential. If you had more time, you could do more of the important things in life, the things that really matter, and more of the things you really want to do.
But you can’t go on Amazon to buy a box of money and you can’t go on E Bay and get a block of time. It seems money will buy stuff, but it won’t buy more money. And we’re all stuck with the same 24 hours in a day.
Unless. Unless you pay somebody else to do what you would spend a day on. Now you’ve done the impossible. You just bought time. You bought yourself a day.
But here’s the catch. What do you do with that day?
There’s things in your life, and in your schedule that only you can do, or the things where you are at your best, your most efficient, your most productive. If you spend your day on that, your time is worth more.
So first you got more time for your money. Then you got more money for your time.
That makes you the genius.
.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Don't Be Herd
If you want people to listen, don’t be ‘herd’.
When you look and sound like all the other animals, nobody pays attention. But become the ugly duckling, or the tenor sax in the string quartet, now people sit up and take notice.
If you’re part of the herd, you won’t be seen. When you look like everyone else, you become the wallpaper, not the icon.
In many fields, there’s an accepted way of communicating with your clientele. A fast-food restaurant doesn’t talk like an insurance company. That’s great, since you don’t want to hear about your homeowner’s insurance in terms of 99 cent specials.
But what do you do when you (and thirteen other guys in town) are selling furniture, and everybody talks about quality and service and free delivery? You’re in the herd. And you’re not being heard.
Now’s the time to find your own voice, to uncover the qualities that make you ‘you-nique’. Not a cookie cutter sound from Marketing 101. Not ‘louder is better’. What makes you different?
If you've not yet discovered what’s unique about your enterprise, get busy. If there’s nothing distinctive about you and your business, if you have no personality, get busier. Or settle for being part of the herd.
Cuz you ain’t bein’ heard.
.
When you look and sound like all the other animals, nobody pays attention. But become the ugly duckling, or the tenor sax in the string quartet, now people sit up and take notice.
If you’re part of the herd, you won’t be seen. When you look like everyone else, you become the wallpaper, not the icon.
In many fields, there’s an accepted way of communicating with your clientele. A fast-food restaurant doesn’t talk like an insurance company. That’s great, since you don’t want to hear about your homeowner’s insurance in terms of 99 cent specials.
But what do you do when you (and thirteen other guys in town) are selling furniture, and everybody talks about quality and service and free delivery? You’re in the herd. And you’re not being heard.
Now’s the time to find your own voice, to uncover the qualities that make you ‘you-nique’. Not a cookie cutter sound from Marketing 101. Not ‘louder is better’. What makes you different?
If you've not yet discovered what’s unique about your enterprise, get busy. If there’s nothing distinctive about you and your business, if you have no personality, get busier. Or settle for being part of the herd.
Cuz you ain’t bein’ heard.
.
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